I’m in a funk. There, I said it.
I am feeling unsatisfied, impatient and not at all motivated. Sometimes I think I’ve been pretty open and over-sharey on this blog, and sometimes I think I put forth a fake version of my life. Gratitude! and Decorations! and Running! Oh my! When, most days, it is work! and headaches! and a never ending effort to not whine (too much)!
It’s really not so bad most of the time. The gratitude is definitely there. It is always there as long as I make that choice. But … lately it’s been more than a little forced.
That’s because my life, like most people’s, is imperfect and contradictory. On the one hand, I am crazy lucky. I have a good job that pays decently and is in a field at least somewhat related to my degree. I have a loving boyfriend and the cutest cat(s) alive. I have my health, which I know is something to be grateful for, and good friends. My family is a mess but I love ’em. The future is wide open.
On the other hand, I also have a lot of stress and … Things … Things I’ve referenced but never discussed here, Things I can’t control, Things that feel like they control me (but don’t), Things I can control but am not ready to face … Things. I will not play a game of ‘show me yours and I’ll show you mine.’ My Things are stressful and heartbreaking and in many ways “Things I shouldn’t be dealing with at this stage in life.” And they are uniquely mine. I know that I am worse off than this person and much better off than that person. Comparison is futile.
Still, those Things have been looming large in my mind and heavy on my shoulders. They make work stress impossible and basic obligations exhausting. They make the desire for what could be like fire in the pit of my stomach, and despair over what isn’t a black hole. They are coloring my days and especially my nights.
And they need to back the fuck off. Enough is enough.
So, while I can’t change most of my Things, I know that I need to change how I am dealing with them. It’s a work in progress.
That is why I have started a personal challenge called Get My Shit Together Already. GMSTA is all about taking charge and working on the (mostly small) details in life that I can actually control. The details that I have left by the wayside in my funk.
So far, I’ve (finally) opened an IRA and made an appointment with the eye doctor so I won’t get a headache every day (truth). Next up:
- File my taxes (uhg)
- Make a plan for paying back my student loans (double uhg)
- Make that sunburst mirror I keep talking about (maybe)
- Organize my digital photos (all 10 billion of them)
- Find a new lawyer (not for me)
- Work on financial stuff for a family member (vague much?)
- Make a doctor’s appointment to treat my self-diagnosed De Quervain’s Syndrome (so I can stop awkwardly massaging my hand in front of people)
- Finally read through all the awesome investment literature my step dad sent me – and start investing (every bit helps)
- Organize my file cabinet (calm down there, Captain Excitement)
- Clean out and donate unused stuff (I do this every 3 months like clockwork – it’s a compulsion)
- Do other house stuff (like create a photo wall. and clean.)
- Clean out my trunk (I got junk in my trunk)
- Work my core and maybe take a spin class (I got a little extra holiday junk in that trunk, too)
- Find a place to volunteer (I mean, really, this should already be happening)
- Open a credit card with miles in case I am able to go to my neice’s confirmation in Norway (no worries, I’m good with credit cards)
- And other stuff, too
- Oh yeah, and figure out a time this week to take Boomer to the vet for his blood work and shots because HOMEBOY HAS A NEW HOME. I know – you are totally shocked that Eric and I caved. Me neither. (Post forthcoming)